The Question of Singleness

"Josh, I'm so glad we're in the States this year so we can meet your fiance!"  My mom, always joyful and smiling, greeted me one morning in the kitchen with this seemingly docile statement.

But for many reasons, it baffled me.  I was glad that my parents were back in the US.  I liked that I could see them again after spending two years in a college ten thousand miles away from Singapore, where they are missionaries.  But I guess I must have missed the whole "fiance" part.  "Whaaat?" I asked groggily, rubbing the sleep out of my quizzical eyes as I tried to process her words.

"Oh, I want grand-babies!" she said cheerily.

I don't mean to badmouth my mom or say that she is unjustified in wanting to have grandchildren.  But the reason that I was so taken aback is because I hadn't mentioned a single girl to my mom all summer, I was entirely and unmistakably "single" in any romantic sense of the word, and had been for the better part of two years.

To me, this particular interaction reflects one very common theme that has been unmistakably reinforced throughout my life— that is, I should one day get married to a nice Christian girl and have a nice Christian family.  Moody Bible Institute is (in)famous for producing many college-aged married couples.  Because we live in such an over-sexuallized culture, Christians are faced with some of these issues daily, and can only healthily express this area of their desire for intimacy through marriage.

But a truth that has been perhaps less emphasized, though not any less prevalent, is that a person's ministry will change once they are married, and more often than not, it will diminish in certain areas.  I saw that in the life of the only Christian college student who mentored me in high school.  He was engaged (no pun intended) in my life, cared about me, met with me and discipled me weekly. . . Until he got married.

Married life carries with it the first responsibility of any husband.  FAMILY.  If I've heard it once I've heard it a hundred times, "Your family is your first ministry."  Men are called to love their wives with the same love the Christ loves his church!  And that is the way it should be.  Unfortunately, I've seen some relationships on the mission field fail because this was not the case.  I believe with all my heart that if I someday have a family, they will be my first ministry from the moment I say "I do" until the day I die.

Ah, the beauty of such an idea.  A family that I could call my own, raise up in a God-fearing home teaching them to revere the inspired Word of God.  I've dreamed of teaching my son how to play sports, throw a baseball, play music, and even dreamed of having a son who loves art.  I've imagined myself fumblingly picking up a paintbrush, just to be with him or share his passion with him, even if it's something that I have no gifting in.

I've thought of raising up a daughter, adoring her and loving her unconditionally, treating her as a princess no matter what the situation, protecting and caring for her forever.

And I've dreamed of having a wife, someone I can call my best friend, someone to balance out my many weaknesses, someone to come home to after a long day of ministry, someone to minister with, someone to be with through the hardships and trials of life. . . A woman to share myself completely with, to become one with. . .

But let me tell you another dream I've had.  This one is real, still vivid in my mind from a few nights ago.

I was in a house with my family, a wife and two daughters.  We were happy, and I was contentedly doing ministry, in the place that God had called me.  But what happened next was very difficult and distressing.  A crowd of people started forming around the outside of the house, a fight broke out, and gunshots started to shatter the silence.  The shots were few at first, then quickly turned into hundreds and hundreds all at once.  I remember bringing my wife and my children into my arms and praying for safety.  Bullets started to tear through our house, screaming through the pillars and windows, crashing all around us, and I had a moment that I cried out to God, "WHY, WHY, WHY, GOD? Why would you bring me here, why would you put my family in danger, why, God why, God WHY?"

And in that moment, God told me clearly "They are more safe in my will than they will ever be in yours."  And as the gunshots continued and intensified, my family was safe and protected, untouched in the midst of the storm.  Untouched in the shadow of his wings.

Now, standing humanly on this side of my future, hoping expectantly to go forth into some of the most difficult areas of the world, I would never ask any woman to take my hand and go with me.  Despite the assuredness I have of my calling, God has not yet blessed me with the faith to believe that he will provide for the needs of others that I am responsible for as well as myself.  Ultimately, I know He is responsible for them, and he will call my household just as much as he will call me.  I just lack the faith to practically believe that in my heart.  And I pray for a faith that allows me to believe God's promises completely with none of my own doubt.

I am sometimes in the habit of going around Chicago climbing buildings, exploring, going into demolition sites and finding abandoned buildings.  When it's just me, I feel a sense of freedom and a fearlessness to go anywhere and try anything.  But I also feel the desire to share some of the secrets and beauty of these clandestine places with my closest friends.

Invariably, however, I find myself concerned much more for the well-being of the other people I'm responsible for.  Some of my most desperate and sincere prayers have come when someone else is following in footsteps that I JUST took.  I realize that this is the same kind of apprehension that I face, on a larger scale when it comes to a life that cannot offer safety, money or security in a worldly sense.

All of this, of course, is assuming that I find a girl that I would consider taking with me in the first place.  There are a lot of awesome, beautiful Christian girls at Moody and in my life, but less that I would actually potentially date.  There are even fewer girls who share the same passion for international ministry with me.  And even the very few I have found who share a passion for international ministry and for seeing the gospel preached in needy places in conjunction with caring for physical needs have not shared a passion for China (and the Middle East) with me.

Suffice to say, today was the first time I think I've ever acknowledged to God that I am willing to go to any place in the world... Completely single.  I think I was very much caught up in the question of how I am to take a woman into a dangerous situation, leading her all the way, while also claiming to love her with all I am and desiring to protect and care for her well-being.  Until now, that is.  Someday, Lord willing, I will go.  I have no doubt of this.  But will I go with someone by my side, to protect and to keep, in sickness and in health?  I don't know just yet.

If God gives me someone, I will go.

If God sends me alone, I will go.

If God sends me, I will go.

I will go.

[if]

[In His will she will be safe.

In His will we will be safe.]

In His will I will be safe.

In His will I am safe.